A spoiler-packed guide to all that’s off about the superhero clash, from Lex Luthor as a malfunctioning android to Bruce Wayne’s fickle take on demolition

This piece contains spoilers for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. Don’t read it unless you’ve seen the film or don’t care about spoilers


Like a big, wet glob of fetid bird droppings tumbling down from the sky, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice has landed with an audible splat. It’s been almost three years since director Zack Snyder revealed the project at San Diego Comic-Con và in those years, the multimillion-dollar hype machine has been slowed only periodically by rumblings that something was amiss with the film. Amid splashy trailer releases & return trips to lớn Comic-Con there’s been a steady drumbeat of skepticism in the background. How bad could it be? Well, it turns out, pretty bad.

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Despite the 30% Rotten Tomatoes score, you probably rushed out & gobbled up this picture with the reckless abandon of DJ Khaled confronted with a horse trough full of fried chicken. You – the hypothetical reader whom I am very certain is terribly attractive, very intelligent, và wise beyond your years – probably want someone khổng lồ explain what it is you just witnessed. I would lượt thích to offer up my expertise free of charge so that you might better understand the many layers of this motion picture event. I warn you now that this is a spoiler-heavy article, so if you haven’t seen the film & want to lớn remain untainted, please click away immediately. I won’t mind. I mean, you’ve already clicked on it anyway, so cha-ching.


‘I can’t vì chưng all the grinning và bearing by myself, Ben’: Henry Cavill và Ben Affleck. Photograph: Dave J Hogan/Getty ImagesThe film opens with one of many dream sequences. Let me just say here early that Batman v siêu nhân is mostly dream sequences, và those scenes that are not dreams still seem to function as though the basic laws of reality vị not exist. Granted, this is a film about an alien và an alcoholic billionaire pervert throwing each other around in the rain while grimacing heavily. I should probably cut it some slack.

Anyway, Bruce Wayne dreams about his parents being gunned down in front of a movie theater. This is intercut with Bruce Wayne tumbling down a hole where he discovers a massive gathering of bats in a cave. These bats swarm around him, magically lifting him up và out of the hole while he strikes a Christ pose. In other words, we are off lớn a smashing start. After that, we witness Metropolis being wiped out by Superman và General Zod from the last movie. Hero destroys one of Bruce Wayne’s buildings by accident, which makes Wayne hate Superman. This is an important plot point. You see, Batman only approves of the destruction of private property when he’s the one doing the destroying. Later in the film, Batman tears through the city in his own personal tank, blows up some cars, shoots up a building with his Batwing, kills numerous anonymous henchmen, & lures a dangerous mutant back to a populated area without a coherent plan to defeat it. But he’s not an alien, so it’s OK. I should also mention that Bruce Wayne has a second dream about his dead parents in which blood pours out of his mother’s tomb, then explodes khổng lồ reveal a demon inside of it. I think maybe he has some unresolved issues.

Bruce Wayne is not alone in hating Superman. The United States government is none too pleased with the last son of Krypton leveling large parts of a major city. Lex Luthor, a wealthy businessman & scientist, also hates Superman. Now, you probably couldn’t quite figure out why Lex Luthor hated tráng sĩ so much. Unlike Batman, he has no clear professional jealousy. In fact, in a brief aside, Luthor mentions the construction projects his company undertook after superman wrecked Metropolis. If he had just kept his mouth shut & let anh hào topple a few more buildings, he could have kept raking in the government contracts for decades khổng lồ come. Instead, he spends most of the movie trying lớn get Batman và Superman to lớn fight, then creates a quái vật in a pool of brown toilet water for no reason. I thought this guy was some kinda genius? It doesn’t make sense at first, but upon second viewing, it’s clear that Lex Luthor is actually a malfunctioning android và his moronic behavior is due khổng lồ his circuits being fried. Every bizarre character choice can be chalked up to lớn what I like to điện thoại tư vấn the “Android Defense”. Something happened in Batman v tráng sĩ that doesn’t make any sense? It was probably done by a secretly malfunctioning robot.

Sorry, got a bit off track here. Batman has another dream, where anh hào has become a fascist dictator with his own army of stormtroopers. Batman is a lone freedom fighter rebelling against Superman’s iron rule. At the kết thúc of the dream, anh hào punches a hole in Batman’s chest. Batman wakes up and sees The Flash (not identified as such, I just know because I’m a nerd) inside a time vortex. Flash explains some important plot points for another movie, then disappears. Why is The Flash invading Batman’s dreams? Why did he travel back in time? He’s got khổng lồ juggle a lot of balls và he only has one butler to handle all of his affairs. He’s not a huge note-taker và doesn’t maintain an iCal. Things slip through the cracks. That’s why he sent The Flash back in time in the first place, lượt thích a really elaborate Post-It note. Unfortunately, if Batman had never forgotten about his dream, he never would have sent back The Flash lớn remind him about the dream, which creates a major paradox, which I don’t want to get into right now.

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I haven’t even mentioned Wonder Woman, AKA Diana Prince, warrior princess of Themyscira. Wonder Woman periodically shows up at parties lớn annoy Bruce Wayne. She steals some computer files from Lex Luthor during a fundraiser for a library or something. Then, Bruce và Diana meet at a totally different party where they stare at a dagger in a glass case. You may have wondered whose các buổi tiệc nhỏ that was, why either of the characters were at that party, và what the point of the knife in the box was. Look, cool people get invited to lớn parties all the time that you don’t know about. You should be used to this by now. Stop asking. It makes you look desperate.

Bruce Wayne opens up Lex Luthor’s computer files and discovers a photo of Wonder Woman from the first world war, plus some trailers for other Warner Bros movies. Luthor even designed logos for all of these movies in Adobe Illustrator. Why does Lex Luthor have four blatant bits of hàng hóa placement on his computer? Because he’s been maintaining a secret double life as a film publicist. You thought running a multinational corporation while trying lớn murder an indestructible flying alien was hard? Try selling the Aquaman movie.

Back lớn Superman, he’s quite depressed over the mixed reaction to his theatrical heroics, và I don’t mean the review for Man of Steel either. Some worship him for his daring deeds, while others are terrified of the unchecked power nguồn he wields. Using that divided public opinion against him, Lex Luthor attempts to frame tráng sĩ for a variety of very un-Superman activities – shooting up a village, neglecting to stop a suicide bomber, và drinking red wine with seafood. Of course, hero would do none of these things, but that doesn’t stop the public from turning on him, playing directly into Luthor’s hands.

Dejected, siêu nhân flies off lớn Buffalo, New York, or some other desolate, snow-covered landscape. There, we are treated khổng lồ yet another dream sequence. This time, Clark Kent imagines seeing his father throwing bricks on to lớn a pile of other bricks while telling a story about inadvertently ruining the lives of his neighbors during a flood. At this point, you may have asked yourself why anh dũng flew out khổng lồ this barren wasteland. You may have also asked what that pile of rocks was? Maybe you thought it was the place where Clark Kent’s dad is buried, but I’m fairly certain it’s been established that he was buried on the Kent farm. So why the hell is siêu nhân having visions of his dead dad in the middle of nowhere? As with everything, there is a simple answer. Nothing reminds me more of Kevin Costner’s acting than a pile of rocks, bricks & twigs in the snow. So, it’s natural that when one sees a pile of inanimate objects, one would pause khổng lồ consider Kevin Costner. This movie makes perfect sense.


Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman in Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice. Photograph: APConsidering the title of the film, Batman and Superman fight toward the kết thúc of the story. It’s as brutal và ruthless as it is boring, with the fisticuffs coming to an abrupt over when Batman realizes that his mom and Superman’s mom have the same first name. If only Biggie và Tupac’s moms had the same first name. They might still be here today.

Lex Luthor’s monster, Doomsday, is unleashed và Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman join forces to lớn defeat him. Why did Lex Luthor create a boss he couldn’t control when he easily could have just shot anh kiệt with a kryptonite rocket 30 minutes into the movie? Why did he waste all of that time convincing Batman & Superman to lớn fight if he was just going khổng lồ create Doomsday? What if Batman killed Superman? Would Lex Luthor still have a need for a rampaging, uncontrollable beast?

At the end of the film, anh hùng sacrifices himself to defeat Doomsday, leaving Batman và Wonder Woman to khung the Justice League in his absence. Lex Luthor has gone crazy (because he is a malfunctioning android) & has had his head shaved because long hair is strictly forbidden in solitary confinement, as everyone knows. He could have hidden a knife or a grenade in that moptop. Batman mourns his friend, who he had been pals with for a grand total of a couple hours và had previously been single-mindedly obsessed with murdering. Why was Batman so broken up about the death of a man he had spent two years despising? Because, as a great man (me) once said (right now, for the first time), the greatest friendships are the ones that burn out the quickest. If you learn anything from this movie, it should be that. If I were Warner Bros, I’d be throwing that brilliant aphorism on a T-shirt right now.

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